Warning. Life story ahead.
... I am not really back but then again when have I ever been back. I have a lot of explaining to do I'm sure, but in reality it's just... life. Life brings you down sometimes. And when it does, it hits hard.
I've been experiencing crippling moods for a long time now. Many years, in fact. I try not to let it show and some of you might be like: "But you're always so happy?" Two words: "Dat mask."
Recently, and by which I mean the past year or so, it's gotten worse. I finally went to see a doctor about it and was diagnosed with depression and mixed anxiety. I've felt suicidal, extremely jealous and envious over others due to my huge drop in self-confidence. I criticise my appearance, personality, writing, art and many other things. I blame myself for a lot of problems to do with myself and even situations that may be beyond my control. I feel I am just not good enough. I am aware I still have skill with art, but I just want to get much better and too quickly. I think that is my problem. Maybe.
I'm currently seeing a psychologist (I realise this is a pretty private matter for some but I think for those who have watched me for many years, if you are still here, you deserve an explanation).
Many things happened in the past few months. Long story short (I say that a lot), my boyfriend was admitted to hospital on his birthday (he was unexpectedly diagnosed as a type 1 diabetic and was severely dehydrated upon admission. He's okay now though, we've just made some lifestyle changes and such) and just recently, I had to take my mum to hospital (she is hypertensive and doctors suspect she had a mild stroke. She is very lucky right now that it wasn't bad).
During one of these moments, I ended up having some sort of mental breakdown. I got so stressed out and hyperventilated and then suddenly I drew a blank with everything. I had no idea where I was, why I was there, or even what my own birth year or mobile phone number was. Shit was cray, yo. I'm just typing what I was told since I don't even remember much of this at all.
But yeah I had to go to the emergency ward and apparently was treated like I was a druggie or something. I remember seeing bright pink numbers floating around (the numbers 7 and 47 stood out to me). They were everywhere. On the walls, on the bed sheets.
Yeah okay I sound like a crazy person, oh god. I have an immense fear of people I love being taken away from me, and after my dad died in 2008, that fear has just increased year after year. My mum and my little sister are the only family I have left (well, I have some in The Philippines but unfortunately I barely know them and haven't even met them).
Aside from medical stuff, finances and my overall performance at everything I do in life is what's making me feel worse.
ANYWAY! Damn this journal sounds so emo.
I have found that as a consequence of me being depressed, I feel scared to tell people if I am feeling the slightest bit upset about anything. I worry they will say: "Oh shutup, you think because you're depressed you have an excuse to feel sad about everything all the time?!"
No. That is not it. I hate feeling this way. I worry constantly about others and about my place in this world (I feel as if I will never end up anywhere or have something to my name). I don't find enjoyment in a lot of the things I used to love. I get so tired so easily... I just go to work, come home, eat if I have to, and fall asleep. I feel lethargic for most of the day. I've quit studying for a while and went back to working 5 days a week (I used to work 5, then went down to 4 because of study but now I've returned to square 1). My managers and coworkers are really great people and help cheer me up without knowing it, which is great.
The past few days I've been perking up a little since it's the Easter holidays and I won't be pestered by calls from the finance people I have to deal with for mum (she's pretty bad at managing these things) until Tuesday. But it still took me two days to even attempt to draw something with this free time.
I'm trying to get back into art now. It's hard. I find that I can't draw poses with ease (not that I was ever able to but it seems so much harder now), and I can't form compositions in my head like I used to. It takes me hours or days to create something that would normally take me only a couple of hours. I am falling behind with everything. Also I drink like 5 cups of coffee a day hahahagoodbyegoodhealth
I'm going to keep trying though. Eventually, I'll get there.
Thanks for reading, everyone. I'll do my best to post stuff here. Maybe even open commissions when I feel like I have improved a bit more.
Sorry for being so angsty... I hate writing journals like this but I needed to get it off my chest. Apologies for the terrible formatting as well. Overused parentheses much?
Listening to: Nothing.
Reading: Haruki Murakami: "A Wild Sheep Chase"
Playing: Nothing right now.